I'm on the last page of my journal that I started ten months ago. When I first started it, I didn't like it because it had lines, and I don't like lines. And it wasn't spiral bound, and I like to be able to flip it open on itself. But then I started telling it all my secrets and now it knows me better than any other book. So I'm sad to leave it on a shelf and pick up a new journal that doesn't know me at all. I'm just supposed to start telling it all my secrets and hope that it accepts me? Well...fine. I guess I have no other choice. Unless I just flip open this one again and start from the beginning...write my new story in between the lines of the old one...but that would be messy and obnoxious to read. So, there is no other option than to move on. Close one book and open another. I've done it before. I have a total of probably over 15 journals since I was 8 years old. So I know how to do this. But, it just hasn't felt so hard before. It's probably different now that I don't live with my parents so I don't have to write in code and also because I have a lot more of myself figured out than I did in middle and high school. So it's more real when I write and not just: "Adam talked to me! Mr. Wright put us in the same group because he totally knows I like him. I mean, who doesn't know I like him. So I was standing next to him and he was like, 'You ready to cut open this pig?' And I was all, 'Oh yeah. I'm tough.' And he laughed. Oh man, he totally thinks I'm funny. YES!" (That is probably very close to a real life journal entry).
I guess I should say some words:
Journal, I'm really sad I have to leave you now. You were a really good friend to me during hard times. Whenever I had too much inside of me, you knew just how to soak some of it up so I could breathe again. You're a good keeper of secrets. You could get kind of heavy and I didn't always want to take you everywhere with me, but you would get sad if I didn't, so I always ended up taking you with me anyway. You made my arms stronger. And don't worry, I'll pick you up again because I love reading through your pages. I won't be far away.Welcome new journal. I hope you can handle my abuse.
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4 comments:
natalie. i have that same new journal! will it know both of our thoughts?! :)
the new one looks so...fresh.
i always feel this way about new notebooks....i love them, but i'm totally scared to write in them because what if they judge me or something? they're like cool new friends who might not like me if i say something dumb. i applaud you for writing so faithfully. my hand gets too tired, which is why i mostly type now.
i love how faithful you are at journals. I didn't write all last semester. Sometimes my mind refuses to remember life. So when they make a movie from my journals, it will be dark and muffled for 6-8 months of my life.
Yours will be long and rich. And I do know it talks about me blowing my nose in a hot dog bun. I hope that scene is in your life movie.
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