She closed the door behind her and walked over to her bed. The voices carried into her room from the kitchen. They won't mind she's gone. She crawled on top of her covers and curled up on her side next to her stuffed tiger. She pulled the animal closer and looked into his glass eyes. She knew he cared. "It's one of those lonely days," she whispered to him. "Those days where everything you do or say just makes you feel empty," she could feel her eyes collecting tears but she knew he wouldn't mind. Her eyes were now glass like his. "It was the kind of empty that fills all of you. Your whole body is full of something that isn't there. I know. It doesn't make sense...Nothing makes sense," her tiger understood when things didn't make sense. She swallowed the spit that had thickened and inched closer to the wall. "I sat around my friends and laughed with them. I did. It was fun. I thought that would fill me. Maybe I was just trying to replace the empty. Trying for something that doesn't feel so bad," She paused and a tear rolled down the side of her face. She stroked the tiger's head because she knew he understood. "But everything just made me feel the empty more. I even turned on songs that usually make me happy. You know the ones...but instead they made me feel other things and the hole kept getting bigger. Every song just pointed out the things I hate to feel. The only thing that makes sense is to cry," more tears fell. She didn't hold back, "I just want to cry and get all of the empty out. But doesn't that seems wrong? Getting things out to not feel empty? Shouldn't it be the opposite?" The tigers eyes were full of confined wisdom. The answers to her questions. She wished he could tell her what he knew. She held the tiger tight and let her tears fall on his head. His glass eyes kept staring forward even with his face so close to her chest. She finally felt a little pang of happiness. The fact that she could cry and he would let her. He didn't need to ask what was wrong and he didn't look worried or annoyed that she was crying. He was just there and understood. And that was enough.
She cried out all of the empty until her sharp breaths between the tears lulled her to sleep. She never let go of that tiger and his eyes never moved.
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3 comments:
This was a good thing for me to read today. I think i felt kind of empty today. I felt something wierd. I dunno what it was. That was a sad story. I think what I felt to day wasn't exactly empty just nothing. I'm not sure. I really do love reading your stories I hope you have a book I can one day read. A whole collection. I'll own them all, first editions with signatures. Maybe I'll be in one of them, maybe not as myself but playing part of a character, sharing his body with someone else interesting you know. Or perhaps just the basis. Not a bassist though I don't like that instrument very much. :( reading this makes me wish I wrote more today. Now I'm babbling, I really should get some sleep and I think I will.
You know I was just thinking about something cuz i've been sad and depressed going on two days and I don't try to fight it with happy music. I've always just listened to music that matches how I feel. It kind of amplifies it. But maybe its like when you try to break a fever by heating the sick person up with lots of blankets. I've always done that. I remember when I was younger and I would get into a bit of an argument with my dad and I would be really mad. And I would go get my guitar and just play the most angry angsty music I could muster and its like i got it out of my system. I think thats one of my problems with this depression. Its a fever I can't break. I need to cry it out then its out of the system. When I think about it I haven't really cried in years. There are only two times scince freshman year of high school I can distinctly remember really crying. The last one was in september of 2003 when my grandpa died. I think I need a good cry but I just can't do it. Hahaha longest comment ever.
umm that's not your tiger. that's a stolen tiger. you don't even like animals and you especially don't like tigers. you're a tiger killer. what? are you surprised i know about that? oh yes, your brother told me all about that time your family went to the zoo when you were eleven and you crawled in the tiger cage and slyly creeped up behind that tiger with a large knife you stole from your kitchen before your family had left and then slit the tiger's throat. yes, i know that story. and now, so does the rest of the world. we all know that you are a tiger killer.
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