lazy.

I'm putting off everything. Even writing a new post. I keep clicking that little thing that says "new post" then I just let the screen sit. Empty. White. And...I find something else to do. Right now. .. writing in my real journal. Not this online thing. Blaaaaahg.

I have one more hour at work. I should research. I have my note cards. I have all the websites open that I need. They're just sitting there. I seem to do that a lot. I put things in front of me that I should do....and they just sit. And I just stare. Like I did just now for a few minutes when I didn't know what else to type. Then i typed that.

I feel like I can't make myself do things right now. I have to feel that urge. That push into it. I have to think in my brain, "ohhhh that sounds good." Then I'll do it. But sometimes I let it sit for too long. And I sit and stare for too long. Then it gets dark outside. And it feels so late. And I have done nothing. Zero things. I have stared. And then I feel sick to my stomach and panicky that I have done nothing.
I think since reading Perks, I use the word panicky more. Before I didn't know what to call that feeling. I just always called it "the feeling" all growing up. I made that phrase up because I could never describe it completely, but it happened constantly. So that way my family understood why I was crying in the hallway. My brothers used to make fun of me for getting "the feeling." And my parents would lock me out of their room because I tried to sleep with them too often. Even though it didn't help. ..

But the point is- -I'm lazy the past few days, and that's not always a good thing.

Also, I have a headache. I guess that's not the point of the above statements...but it is another point I'd like to make that is a point all on it's own. Headache. Point.

I'm not good at tennis.
I want to be better at writing.

I am also sleepy.
And I put crumpled newspapers in Rachel's bed tonight while she was gone. . ..a huge mountain of them. And covered them with her comforter. Eric had the genius idea. And it was genius. And I filmed Eric in Rachel's dress pretending to be Rachel coming home from work and discovering the mess. So I had that playing on my computer with all the lights off in the room for when Rachel came home from work. I think that was a success. Everyone loves a success story.

I wonder if people like reading long blog entries though....Probably not....